Logan Does Comedy

(Poorly and hastily written)

When I dream, I dream hard.

I have very intense, vivid, real dreams. I dream in a full spectrum of color, and have great facial recognition. My teeth never fall out, though. That’s pretty sweet.

Usually I can only remember bits and pieces of a dream when I first wake up, and am left with a particular emotion that lingers for the first few hours of the day. Sometimes, it’s relief that it was only a dream. Sometimes, it’s dread that life could never be that good. Very rarely, it’s a feeling of content, for having such a nice dream. 

But I remembered this one.

I was in a mansion. It had been abandoned for a while, but was recently reopened and was going through some renovations. This was due directly to the mansion’s owner having finally awoken from his dark slumber. That’s right.

Tom Cruise: Vampire.

I’m not sure who I was. I knew why I was there, however. I was to infiltrate a party disguised as a normal guest, and find Tom Cruise, the vampire. That party was clearly just a farce for some real deal evil shit goin on. I was armed only with my magically imbued short sword (it’s bigger than a dagger, smaller than a long sword. It’s like a little-people sword (STING from the Hobbit is a short sword)).

I find my way to an empty hallway, away from the party. The lights flash on, and standing in front of me is straight-up vampire Tom Cruise with his arms out holdin his cape and shit.

“So you’ve found me!”

Lightning strikes out the window and thunder rumbles the building. The curtains swing in real vampire-movie-like.

The hall doors open and hundreds of his migrant-worker thralls pour out. They attack me, but I best them. I use a move I learned in my training: parry, palm strike, spin their body, back stab to the heart. Over and over.

I remember feeling like I wasn’t ready. That I hadn’t completed any sort of training. That I had just been gifted this magical short sword and then dashed off to my quest.

I do remember having a particular “grudge” with Tom Cruise vampire. I just can’t remember what it was.

I down a few more migrant-worker thralls and turn to face him. He smiles.

“SO! I see you’ve been gifted with the power of the short sword! Then allow me to show you my weapon… THE BULLWHIP!”

At this point in the dream, I remember that these weapons were gifts from some sort of god character. There were many different kinds, some of them unorthodox. Like a bullwhip.

He does a quick demonstration of his skills by snapping it to my left. Then at my face. I dodge it, but not quite enough, and it tags my cheek.

He is much stronger than I.

He snaps, I dodge, he snaps, I dodge. Winding up for a big attack, he snaps once and spins, holding the bullwhip out at his side, and then snaps it horizontally behind his back.

I am much smarter than he.

I roll along the floor, under the horizontal snap. I stand, and as he tries to strike again, I parry his whip, and rip it to his side. I grab his shoulder and turn him, and plunge my sword into his back.

But not at his heart.

I stab again, but this hits shoulder instead. I reach around his neck, and have my sword to throat. I am able to kill him.

But I don’t.

And he smiles.

And then I woke up.

OMG YOU GUYS. I DID FUN STUFF.

Last night I was on a podcast with the guys from Sub-Weapon (www.subweapon.com)

We talked about PSVista, Tomb Raider, Assassin’s Creed, Ninja Turtles and Street Sharks, AND about Final Fantasy 7, which as we all know, is the only game ever worth talking about. Specifically, the “Aeris is Sephiroth” theory.

What? Find out.